I realized this week that I am bulimic. How does one suddenly reach this conclusion? Well, I guess I was kind of in denial about it for quite some time.
It all started a few years ago when I was pregnant. I had a little bit of morning sickness. Depression and a rough pregnancy lead me down the bath of binge eating, and I started making myself vomit. I wasn't doing it to avoid weight gain but rather because I ate so much I simply had to vomit. I still gained a considerable amount of weight while pregnant which was fine with me.
Fast-forward to recent times. I lost the baby weight in a healthy manner. Every so often my binge eating gets out of control, and I make myself vomit to avoid weight gain. I remembered how easy it was to vomit when I stuffed myself until I was near explosion a few years ago, and it was easy to slip back into old habits. I have to be careful with the vomiting so that no one notices, and that makes it seem like a game.
I've developed this pattern of being healthy for a while (definitely no restrictive eating or anything crazy), binge eating, and then resorting to vomiting to avoid weight gain. Sometimes I plan my binges in advance. That sounds so sick. Anyway, I'll decide as early as the night ahead of time on what I want to binge. I try only to binge when I know I'll be able to vomit without anyone knowing, but sometimes I just binge because I can't control my eating.
This week I realized that, DUH, this is bulimia. Today was a bad day, and I had three separate episodes of vomiting. A few months ago I would just make myself vomit every few weeks after a big binge. My eating disorder has escalated, and I believe I am bulimic. How did this happen to me?
I hate the loss of control I feel when I binge eat. I know that sounds crazy since I tend to plan my binges in advance. I know that many people develop eating disorders to feel a sense of control. I feel no sense of control where my eating disorder is concerned. I binge, and I feel disgusting. I make myself vomit, and I feel ashamed. Why do I keep binge eating?
My plan is to use this blog as a tool in working through my eating disorder and eventual recovery.
